I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
