I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
