I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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