Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
