im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
