You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
