walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
