I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
