Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
