I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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