I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
