ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
