Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
