she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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