i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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