I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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