Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
