to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
