I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
