I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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