If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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