Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
