I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he shaved USA in his pubs
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
