I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
