she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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