Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
