I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
