Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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