hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
