Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
