Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
