When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
