This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize