just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
