Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
