She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
