He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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