and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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