I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
