And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
