Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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