i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
