It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
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Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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