If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
