i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
