You're completely useless in the revolution.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
