Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
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we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
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At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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