i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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