I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
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I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
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I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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