so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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