I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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