so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
