I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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