So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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