Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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