my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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