Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
