i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
