you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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