Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
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I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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