I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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