He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
