My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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