Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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