he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
