Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
